A quick note to say that things are OK.

Food wise I have hosted 3 dinner parties in the last 4 days and my weight is stable at 13s 4lb. Been doing some extra walking to keep it in control but I have not exactly shown much self control as far as booze goes. Food wise we have generally offered lean mean in various forms steak, herb encrusted chicken, shish kebab, tandoori pheasant (liberated from some local hedgerows!), etc, various home grown salads (green, tomato, low fat coleslaw, beetroot, carrot and raisin), and spuds and bread which I avoided (largely).

Desserts are a different matter and I have indulged mainly in cheese and biccies which I am not allowed. But also a lovely big pavlova, the strawberries are excellent in Somerset at this time of year.

As far as Dad is concerned I am a lot better and much more in control of myself. As time goes by I am less consumed and I am more sure that it was the right thing to do for myself and family. My sister and I were put second when he fancied working in the middle east, second when he moved to Hong Kong for a decade, second when he accidentally started a new family and concentrated on them for the last 19 years, excluded from his will and finally second when he decided to move to Australia for the rest of his life. After so much coming second I expected him to put some effort in with my children and he is not going to do it, enough is enough, 31 years is far too long to be in this situation. My regret is that as a child I believed in what he was saying when he was slagging off my step dad when we did manage to see him, the result was not letting my step dad close who incidentally who was paying the lions share of my existence. Therefore I spent my childhood pining for someone who put me second and not letting someone who put me first come close. Coming to terms with this has knocked me sideways.

However, this issue is now largely sorted. Off this weekend to see my blind Gran and Uncle in Essex that Dad so conveniently for himself left me as the only relative of in the country. Will take my toolbox and do whatever odd jobs I can to maintain their house. Petrol will make it £120 round trip and about 10 hours of driving. Gran was the most important relative in my life for a long time but now she is in her nineties she is going a little down hill and when I spoke to her the other day she didn’t really know who I was, she can never remember my wifes name either.